Worshipping
by BathoryShower
Summary: "I tolerated everything and I survived, just for him. From doing as he wished, leaving and returning, forgetting me and remembering me whenever he wanted, to Mafia, drugs and mental disorders, I had been there, maybe invisible but always present. No, no..Light Yagami cannot take my Mello from my flawed world and add him to his perfect one." Matt/Mello/Light, AU; Kira won. Dark fic.


**PLEASE READ, Author's Note: This is a multi-chapter story, which includes a somewhat weird love triangle, Matt/Mello/Light, and includes triggering subjects like past drug usage, mental disorders, lots of cursing and sexual content, later on. Also, it includes Kira worshipping too, and will include much more later on. The general plot might be triggering to some as well, so I wanted to make that clear, just to be safe.**

 **Reviews are very appreciated, and I would love to hear all opinions on this.**

 **Summary: "I tolerated everything and I survived, just for him. From doing as he wished, leaving and returning, forgetting me and remembering me whenever he wanted, to Mafia, drugs and mental disorders, I had been there, maybe invisible but always present. No, no..Light Yagami cannot take my Mello from my flawed world and add him to his perfect one."  
Matt/Mello/Light, AU; Kira won. Dark fic.  
**

 **I do not own Death Note or the characters.**

Don't fucking say anything. I don't wanna hear any of it, because you have no fucking idea. No fucking idea what it's like to love someone so much that you let them use you and control your life since the day you first met them, and they never even knew how much you suffered.

Because they never stayed, no matter how many things you did for them.

I never did _one_ single thing for you so you would stay with me though, it was all because you needed my help, and l offered it, with all of my heart.

With all of me, because _you_ were my drug, and my biggest addiction.

You didn't let me stay with you for a long time, and now, I am losing you again, huh?

I am devastated and disturbed that I don't know if I'll end up without you again after all, and it is much more torturous than I thought, but considering who my rival is in this...

I am probably too numb to feel worse than how I feel now, huh?

Maybe I do feel worse than I think, but I don't know.

I am not sure, because I don't even know who I am anymore, recognizing my emotions has been hard for a while too.

I had found myself and I had been feeling amazing for a while, because we were together, until you went and did the unimaginable.

Honestly, no matter who it was, it would have been horrible, but him? Him, out of all people you could have chosen over me?

That twisted egocentric manipulative bastard?

I know, he is a _God_ now and I am no god. You are a God too, you know? You are my God, and you have been for a while.

And I am nothing, nothing but some useless hacker who has less things to offer you than him, and that's why he slowly makes you turn to him.

What I have to offer, next to what he has to offer, is literally nothing.

I can't give you any real title, not a true one like he can, and even thinking all this makes me want to die but I can't do it, not when we still live in the same world.

Not when I can still try.

He is truly a God, eh, Mells? He looks like a God, he has the brain of a God, he did become a God in the end, and although I don't believe in his motherfucking ideals, never have, never will, I know you do admire him. I don't know if it's him or his ideals or both, but you do admire him, and I fucking hate you for that.

I hate you for never explaining what is going on, too. It kills me inside, do you know that? I want to know, I want to know everything about you.

I can't believe there is even the slightest chance you are _falling_ for him, for real.

Although you deny all of that, I cannot stop thinking about it, ever.

And I cannot react properly to that, because there is no proper reaction for...this.

I don't want to completely realize what might be happening, because I don't know what will happen then.

Well.

I secretly hope that he is falling for you, at least. That would ensure your safety, because with people like him, no one's safe, ever, and no matter what, you know I'd never risk your safety, or anything concerning your health.

I fought very hard so you'd at least be able to function properly.

You won't fucking admit it, but I know it is not only what you say it is, I know you don't only meet him for those reasons you claim you do, I know this is sexual, if not romantic already somehow, fucking hell, do you think I am stupid?

He has his reasons, and you obviously have yours too, but don't lie.

Do you think I say you do that with him, without any real reasons?

I'd never even dare to think about that if there hadn't been any reasons to, let alone say it aloud.

I despise him, I loathe him, and I can't wait for him to die like a mere mortal, like all of us.

And when he does, I will go spit on his godly grave, and disgrace his memory in every possible way.

I can't fucking believe this is actually happening.

And I know he fucks you, and what's driving me crazy, is that I am unable to do anything about this at all, because I can't handle him and above all, I can't handle you.

I still can't believe this is how things turned out.

You becoming is supporter.

Although you don't fully admit that either, no matter how hard I try to force you to.

It is obvious though, I haven't heard you say anything bad about him in a while.

All you say is usually neutral to positive, which drives me nuts.

But you can't say it, you don't admit it openly.

You never admitted anything that'd put you in a difficult position, ever, and up to this day, you still don't.

It rarely happens.

I never thought it would be _him_ after all.

I thought you would have stayed with me, and we could have lived peacefully in our own little world, even if it was part of his world.

I am scared of so many things, Mello, you might be a genius, but he killed too many geniuses to count that gift as something useful.

He can kill you anytime he wants, have you forgotten that?

Just forget about me, like you always do, but can you at least fucking remember he can kill you?

Because he can, anytime he decides he wants you dead, you are dead.

And I am so fucking sick, and you, you are my illness.

Why would I talk to you inside my head when you're gone if you weren't, huh?

Why would I light up a cigarette and forget I am even holding it because I am telling you all I can never tell you in reality?

I have come to admit it many times, even aloud.

All I ever feel anymore, is either about you, or about the things you do, or you feel and it has been like that for a while.

I know I am dangerously obsessed with you, Mells, to the point of no return.

I know all of this is probably disturbing sometimes, and I don't care.

It has continued for years, and will continue, because I can't stop it.

I won't stop it, even if I can one day, although that's something that I seriously doubt.

You hurt me though. You hurt me to the point emotional pain turned into physical.

Irony that you are still my biggest addiction.

It isn't smoking, or gaming, never was.

I suffered, I suffered so much whenever you left.

I still suffer, when you leave, even if it is for a few hours.

Especially now I know where you probably are, what you are doing for him. With him.

I suffer always, but it is okay, isn't it?

I suffer so much for you, and it is alright.

So fucking much, _Mello_.

A very long time ago, I loved playing with my Gameboy. I loved playing with Linda, letting her play with my Gameboy too at times.

I never cared that I was a candidate to becoming L's successor, too much work, too much pressure and I didn't want to solve cases for the rest of my life, that wasn't what I wanted to do, in any case.

Gaming, hacking, or anything involving computers was mostly my kind of thing.

But still, I didn't want to end up doing that for the rest of my life either, as a job.

Gaming was helping me kill some boredom, but I hadn't found something I wanted to do, something I'd never get bored of.

And then… _you_ came.

It was a rainy day, and I was not surprised, duh, I was used to bad weather.

I had been playing some game at my new, beloved console until Linda opened my room's door and I turned around, uninterested as always.

"Linda? Would you like to knock first, like you know-"

But she shook her head, running next to me after closing the door, rather excited.

 _What is going on?_

 _Why so much-_

"A new kid came!"

I raised an eyebrow, and got up to turn off the console.

It was rare to find new kids with potential, so it was just as rare for any new kids to come to the orphanage.

"Roger said his name is Mello. Well, I know it probably isn't, none of us ever uses their real names, but you should have seen him, Matt!"

I sighed.

"What's so special about him?" Linda clapped excitedly.

"First of all, he is very good looking-"

"Aw, so you like the new kid because he is cute?" I chuckled and she blushed, glaring at me momentarily.

Linda was always like that, too interested in those things for her age.

I never really paid any attention to girls, although most boys at the orphanage did.

I'd notice a cute girl, but only that much.

I wasn't into anyone, and it was normal.

I hadn't hit puberty yet.

"No, it's not just that! Roger said that he has the potential to-"

"Become L?" I asked, interrupting her.

"Yes!" She exclaimed and I sighed. All that commotion for a kid that was cute and had the so-called potential to become L?

Maybe L would die when he was seventy and all that potential all of us had would go to waste.

I knew L was young, all kids in Wammys's did.

I always told everyone, even Near when I had the chance, that they were all too naïve to hope that they _all_ had the chance to succeed in becoming the world's greatest detective either way. Although I was his second successor, I couldn't care less.

Linda said she didn't care about it, and I believed her, I knew she didn't, ever.

Near said that he was interested in the position, but it didn't matter to him if for some reason, he didn't take the title after all.

But all others, I knew they wanted the glory of being L.

Suddenly, there was a knock on the door.

Both Linda and I turned around.

"Matt? This is Roger. May I come in?" Linda and I exchanged a glance.

"Yes, Roger."

The door opened and I went wide eyed.

"This is Mello. Your new roommate."

Golden hair to his shoulder, with bangs, and two piercing, icy blue eyes.

Pale skin, and he was rather skinny.

Angelic kid.

He looked around the room, way too calm, but he didn't even glance at me or Linda.

"Alright. Thank you for taking me here, Roger."

And _that_ was the new kid.

For some odd reason, I understood what Linda meant then.

He did look exceptionally good, and he did seem like he had the potential to do many things, I understood that the very moment I saw him.

For a long time, he ignored me though, completely.

Mello ignored everyone, in fact.

Besides Near.

The irony.

For some reason, Near and Mello were hanging out a lot together, to study, and from the test results, it was obvious that I was L's third successor, after all.

Because Mello was the only one who ever managed to get so close to Near's scores, so that meant he was either second or…first.

And I didn't care about that, but holy fuck, Mello was number one, in general.

Unlike Near, he was gifted in more than just brains.

All kids wanted to befriend him, including me.

I was jealous, and I couldn't even realize it was jealousy.

No, not jealousy, it was _envy_.

Was Near that special that he deserved to become friends with my new, special, unique roommate in three days time when I had been trying to at least make Mello greet me first, and it never happened in three months?

They even came to our room, OUR room to study, and they never invited me to study with them.

I knew it was a known fact that I didn't _really_ study, and they never even exchanged a word as soon as they started studying, but hey, it was unfair!

Mello was my roommate, this was our room, and Near never even talked to anyone, although many kids wanted to be friends with him too, so _why?_

 _Why Mello?_

Because they were both L's successors, as it was decided by the third week Mello was at Wammy's, so they were the special ones.

That was the answer, and it made my blood boil.

" _Uhm, Near?" One day, I tried to start a conversation while they studied and I was laying on my bed, playing with my Gameboy as always._

 _I knew it was a huge mistake to interrupt them while they were studying, since they were both overzealous when it came to that, but I couldn't hold back._

 _And I was way too…shy to actually try to talk to Mello, so I tried to make him talk to me through Near._

 _Childish, but what else could I do?_

" _Yes, Matt?" Near looked up from the book while Mello continued reading, as if I never interrupted._

" _Can I…study with you?" Too boring, but it was the only way to make Mello notice me._

 _And Mello looked up, curiously. He exchanged a look with Near and they looked back at me._

" _But you never study, at all." He said and raised an eyebrow, and I did my best to stay cool._

" _That's why I want to study with you, I-I don't want to-"_

" _Come join us." Near said, expressionless as always before going back to the book._

 _Mello was still looking at me as I got up and sat down at the carpet with them._

" _What are you-"_

" _If you want to study with us, you might do it silently as well." Mello said, and went back to reading._

I was disappointed, but it turned out that I did the right thing then.

Mello was impressed by the fact I was smart, although I never did any homework, because I knew I didn't really look like someone who was L's third successor.

So, we started hanging out, always with Near, except from when we were in our room, alone.

He was still sitting with Near in class, but I didn't mind that a lot.

Mello was talking to me, while he ignored everyone else, besides Near.

Soon, we were truly best friends.

I knew it wasn't to normal for me to get jealous when Linda and other girls approached Mello, but I never paid any attention to that back then.

" _Matt, see!? I told you you'd like Mello, like all of us!"_

" _Shut up, Linda, we aren't like…friends. He is my roommate-"_

" _And your friend, ha! Lucky you, hanging out with Mello…AND Near! Since you are L's third successor, it was to be expected though, you are exceptional too!"_

Not like Mello.

I was exceptional, next to other kids in Wammy's.

Next to normal kids, for sure.

But never next to Mello, or even next to Near.

 _One day, he ran inside our room, and banged the door. He punched the wall, wildly, and started cursing under his breath._

" _Goddammit, fucking piece of shit, fucking-"_

 _When I got to know him better, Mello wasn't that formal all the time._

 _Rather foul-mouthed when he was angry, but I didn't mind it._

 _I didn't mind any part of him._

" _Hey, hey, Mello, wait, you'll break your hand, mate!" I was up from my bed and I grabbed his arm as he attempted to throw another punch at our desk, that time. He looked at me wide eyed and he was breathing heavily._

" _That little fucker, Near."_

 _What?_

 _What did Near do, weren't they friends?_

 _I never honestly liked Near, but they were friends, before we were._

 _That little fucker, Near? Why?_

" _Wait, wait, wait. Did you have a fight with Near?"_

" _He is at the infirmary, and he deserved it."_

" _What!? Mello, what happened!?" It was the first time Mello ever beat up ANYONE at all._

 _I never thought that after cursing, beating up others was next._

" _We fucking study together, we fucking sit, eat together, and he goes all superior on me when he isn't!" He was red from anger and I knew that if I let go of his arm, he would probably start throwing punches everywhere again._

" _What do you mean?"_

" _Matt, I told you, I want to become L! It is the life goal I never had and had been expecting my whole life, and he tells me we could work together if L decided we are both number one! I AM NUMBER ONE! There is no room for TWO NUMBER ONES!" He screamed furiously and I couldn't take my eyes off him. "He thinks he'd never be number two.."_

 _Honestly, once or twice Mello made some comments on Near, but I never paid attention to that._

 _Mello made comments on everyone, including me, and my gaming obsession._

' _Drop it or I'll smash it.' He'd often say._

 _But it seemed, Mello was jealous of Near after all._

" _You are number one, Mells. You know you are, the fact Near got one hundred percent, and you got ninety-nine percent means nothing!"_

" _It means I am one percent inferior to Near, and I am not going to fucking tolerate this at all!"_

" _Being one percent less intelligent means nothing, you have much more potential than Near! You have social skills-"_

" _And social skills will make me beat Near!?" It had gotten to that, then._

 _Beating Near. I should have known it would get to that, considering how competitive Mello was._

 _They were rivals, and not friends anymore, and although it was comforting to know I was Mello's only real friend, I hated seeing him lose it like that._

" _No! But it fucking means that you can do other things besides-"_

" _Besides what!? Besides becoming L!? I don't want any other fucking things, that's my goal, and you know it!"_

" _Well, I think no one will take that title eventually, Mello! L has his successors as a backup, he might never even need-"_

" _FUCK YOU!" Mello pulled away and stormed off._

 _I shouldn't have said that, fuck._

 _Knowing Mello, that probably was an insult to him._

 _I was wide eyed and before I knew I was running behind him as fast as my legs could carry me._

" _Mello, wait! WAIT!"_

 _But he was gone._

Mello disappeared for three weeks.

L tried finding him, through his usual way of contacting the police.

Roger tried.

I tried, harder than anyone else, and Near never tried.

I knew it wasn't because Near disliked Mello, but probably because he was as neutral as always.

But I was dying then, for the first time.

He left me, and he didn't even think about me at all, I was sure about that.

He was thinking about his goal, about Near and how much he envied and hated him, but not about me.

I made him leave, and he didn't even know he was the only person I actually wanted to talk to, play with, argue with.

I was devastated, but I only prayed that he was alright, wherever he was.

And always, that he'd also return, so I'd see him again.

And he did.

Roger was the one who found him.

And then, we were back to how we were before we started studying together.

Mello ignored everyone, including Near and me, and he only studied.

He studied to become number one.

 _It was around one AM, and I was at my bed, playing Super Mario._

 _And he was at his, studying maths for next week's test._

 _It had been a month, and we hadn't exchanged a word, besides the day he returned and I only managed to ask him if he was okay._

 _He didn't even answer._

 _Before I knew, I had already started talking, unable to handle that situation any longer._

" _I am sorry. Okay? I truly am. Both for interrupting you now from your studies and for telling you that about your goal. I was worried you had died when you were gone for so long, or I don't know, that you would end up getting abducted by a pedophile or something. That you would never return to pursue your goal." That you would never return back to me, that I'd never see you again. "That wasn't Near's fault, I know that you wouldn't have left if I hadn't said that, I am-"_

" _Forgiven." I went wide eyed._

… _What?_

 _His voice was soft, and he turned to look at me after a few seconds._

" _We can be friends again. And tomorrow, we will sit together in class. I can't stand being alone, and I won't ever sit with the albino brat again."_

I don't think I had ever been happier. Mello was back, safe and he forgave me.

We were always together from that day. Always. At breakfast, at class, at lunch, at dinner, while studying, before we slept. Always, and I had never been happier.

I thought he wouldn't leave again, at least, not until he had to take L's place or go to jail because he would kill Near if he did instead.

But that would happen in twenty years or longer, and maybe, until then, we would even live together after we left Wammy's, housemates and such.

And Kira happened.

And world changed, including our small world, because it was a huge case that L couldn't solve with the same ease.

The world was in danger, L was in danger, and maybe, we all were too.

But Mello, as much he adored L and wanted him to succeed in catching Kira, he was very hopeful.

I knew that he was working even harder because he knew there was a chance Kira would get to L first.

If Kira was a god of justice with supernatural powers, he had a chance, and certainly the will to kill the Greatest Detective in the world, the one who opposed him more than anyone else.

And if Kira killed L, Mello had to be his first successor, not the second one, so L would know he was the best.

Because I knew that too, like we all did, L wasn't _two_ people.

And there wasn't room for two people when it came to L's position.

Near was completely apathetic, and whenever anyone asked him about his opinion, he would always say the same thing.

" _I have no clues on the Kira case, so it would be wrong to say L will catch Kira, or that Kira will kill L. Both L and Kira have equal chances on winning from my viewpoint."_

And that made Mello go bollocks, because he thought the same thing, and I knew it.

It was the final race, the final fight probably.

And maybe it wasn't, I knew he didn't believe L would actually die, like I didn't.

It was making him crazy and I knew, he had no clue on what was going on.

But if it happened, he had to be prepared, he had to be above Near.

He worked way too hard, more than he could handle, and although we were still close, he was more focused on his studies, on improving his deductive skills, than he ever was on me. He wanted all of that in his life, more than he wanted me.

And I was jealous, I was jealous that Mello focused on that so much.

On L, on L's title, on his goal, when my goal after all, was staying with him as long as possible.

And I wondered, if for some reason becoming L meant he'd never see me again, would he consider it at all?

No, and it made me want to cry.

He never focused on me, during those times. He had developed a chocolate addiction, but instead of gaining weight, he was getting skinnier, and he looked exhausted, always.

" _Mells? Class is over, if you want, we can go to our room, and you can study there?"_

 _Mello didn't want me to leave his side during those times for some inexplicable reason, although we didn't talk for hours at times since he was studying._

 _We even stayed in class after classes ended so he could concentrate properly, as he said._

 _But I didn't mind, it was still more than I could ask for._

 _Watching him study was much better than not watching him at all and I was very honored he had chosen me over all those kids after all._

" _Yeah…" He got his books from our desk and got up. "Let's go but you will be silent still, okay? No blip-blop, no chatting, nothing."_

 _I nodded eagerly, because I hoped that if we went to our room, maybe he would take a nap, and take a small break from all that._

 _He looked unfocused, tired, and as if he would break if I touched him and I knew he could definitely use some rest._

 _I headed to the door, impatient to put my plan into action but then he spoke, rather weakly._

" _M-Matt..I don't feel well.." I turned around immediately, concerned the moment I heard how weak he sounded._

" _Mells! Hey, are you okay? You have turned white! Hey, look at me!" I noticed he was swaying a little, his eyes completely unfocused. I grabbed his shoulders tightly, attempting to steady him. "Let me help you sit down, I will get you some water- Mello! Fuck!" He passed out before I even finished the sentence, and panicked, I caught him clumsily and picked him up._

 _I don't think I had ever run that fast in my life until then._

The nurse said he was exhausted and dehydrated.

I was as scared as the day he left, Mello didn't collapse.

Ever.

And then, after a few days, he returned to our room from the infirmary.

And that was another goal of mine; making sure he'd stay healthy while he could still try to become L's first choice.

And I stuck to 'Your wish is my command.' I did everything he wanted, I brought him water even when didn't want, because well, dehydration made me worry it'd happen again, I brought him chocolate, I stole Near's toy robot and puppets and he threw them in the trash, which was hilarious, actually. When he fell asleep while studying, I covered him with his blanket, and sometimes if he seemed to be cold, with mine too.

I rarely ever played games anymore, being busy with helping him, and Mello didn't whine so much about the 'blip-blop' thing.

And when he fell asleep, I watched him for a while sometimes. He looked even more angelic, when he wasn't concerned or angry about everything.

Sleeping Mello was truly a heavenly sight.

And then, I understood. That wasn't a friend's love.

It couldn't be, and no matter how often I dismissed everything as 'I-am-a-weirdo-what-can-I-do', I knew it wasn't.

That was an obsessed lover's love, I was addicted to Mello, and had been for a while.

But I wouldn't admit it aloud, ever.

Mello had too many things on his head to bother with that too.

Plus, people like Mello like…people like Mello.

Not people like me, and I didn't think he was gay either.

So, all I could do, was stay by his side as much as I could, hopefully forever.

Hopefully watch him become L, succeed in his life, even…get married, if he ever loved someone like that.

But always by his side.

A few months later though, was the second time I was too ashamed to even look at myself and too happy to breathe.

Because it turned out, things were different than I thought.

" _Matt is gay for Mello."_

 _That's what they all said behind my back, besides Near and Linda._

 _Linda told me about that horrible rumor, and I thought I'd die from shame._

" _Don't you see how he looks at him? Faggot, he thinks Mello is like him, pussy!"_

" _He has become Mello's pet to make him notice him, if Mello was gay, it'd be better for him to be with…I don't know, Near? Better match."_

" _Is he stupid? Mello isn't gay, and he is probably the most good looking guy in here, plus he is much better than him! Intelligent-"_

 _I cut Linda off, I didn't want to know more than that. I lit up a cigarette, as it was my newfound favorite habit and started crying._

" _Oh, Matt…It's true then, isn't it? You like Mello, and not in a-"_

" _Linda, please go." Was all I said, crying silently. Mello would hate me, and if the rumors reached my ears, they would reach his too._

 _Linda left, after she looked at me sympathetically and reassured me she would tell them to stop._

 _She also said that even Near told them it was way too immature to say such things, and that she didn't care I was into Mello, she still wanted to talk to me, if I did too._

 _I just nodded and as soon as she was out, I started sobbing loudly._

 _Of course, in an orphanage for gifted children, they'd understand how I truly felt about Mello eventually, it wasn't as if I could hide it properly._

 _Maybe when he returned from the detention he got for destroying Near's toys, I'd have to tell him how I felt about him before he learned from the others._

 _It was better after all that he didn't let me say I destroyed the robot and his puppets instead because the others would tell him all that bullshit as soon as I left his side for longer than ten minutes and detention would last for hours.  
_

 _And the bullshit was true, as much as I hated it._

 _I was into Mello, and I was inferior to Mello._

 _I'd never be good enough to be that close to him, but at least he had chosen me to be his best friend…right?_

 _After two hours of crying and smoking in our room, secretly of course, I heard the door opening._

 _Fuck._

" _Matt, Roger's a fuck- Holy fuck, it stinks, who smoked in here?" And as soon as he saw me, he went still. "You did and still do. Fuck, Matt, are you smoking? Why didn't you tell me? I wouldn't tell Roger or anyone else."_

 _I sniffled and rubbed my bloodshot eyes. Because I don't know what to tell you at all, and keep you with me, I wanted to tell him. But I didn't speak._

" _Hey, were you crying?" He ran to me, and sat down next to me on my bed._

 _I didn't reply, what could I say? 'Hey, Mells, I am gay, and I want you, but you aren't gay and you'd never like me, so please don't hate me, I can be friends with you, I promise.'_

" _Matt, answer me this fucking instant. Why were you crying?"_

" _Because I love you." I would do it._

 _It was better telling him and letting him reject me, than let others make him reject me._

" _I love you too, but-"_

" _NOT LIKE THAT!" I screamed and let out a sob, covering my face with my hands. I knew he was frozen and wide eyed, I knew how he reacted after being with him all day for so long. He'd never seen me like that before, I knew it was probably shocking. "Not like that…I want you. And they all know it, and they make fun of me, and I don't care, but I want you, and you are going to hate me-"_

" _Hey, wait." He interrupted me, his voice firm . "You are a fucking idiot, do you think I haven't heard what they have been saying?"_

 _Oh no._

 _Fuck, fuck, FUCK!_

 _He knew already._

 _Maybe I made it all worse._

" _Matt, I know about these rumors. But I didn't know it was…true."_

" _And now you will never talk to me again, you will start avoiding me-"_

" _Matt."_

 _And then it happened. The happiest moment in my whole existence._

 _His soft, cold lips were on mine. He kissed me._

 _He KISSED me._

 _Mello fucking kissed me._

 _It was almost as if I imagined it._

 _I moved my hand to touch his face, hesitantly, and..._

 _It was him._

 _It was Mello, and he had kissed me._

 _At first, I was frozen unable to move or respond in anyway and wide eyed._

 _I hadn't kissed anyone before, and I had no idea how to kiss, and Mello obviously had kissed others before, but I didn't care. Mello was my first kiss, and although I was way too clumsy when I kissed back because I hadn't done it before, I wanted him to be my first kiss, him, no one else. I just hoped he wouldn't find it repulsive._

 _My only slightly negative thought was that he had probably kissed someone from here before we kissed since he seemed to know how to kiss, and it kind of made me angry, but my anger was gone as soon as it appeared._

 _The way he tasted blinded me._

 _He tasted like chocolate…Like Mello, like the taste I never thought I'd get to taste myself._

 _When he finally pulled away, he offered me a smile._

 _A rare smile, a genuine one._

 _Not a smirk, not a mocking one._

 _A kind smile._

 _I stared at him for a minute or so, speechless._

 _It couldn't have happened for real, it was true, I was inferior to him, and he'd never look-_

" _I like you too, Matty. I am not exactly…gay, it's true, but I do like you."_

 _What? He said that to me?_

 _He said he LIKES me?_

 _Mello said that?_

 _These were my only thoughts._

 _I was thrilled but still disbelieving._

" _R-Really?"_

" _You truly ARE stupid. I kissed you and you know me, I wouldn't do that if I didn't like you."_

 _I couldn't process that. He kissed me and he said he liked me._

 _I could be…intimate with Mello, hold his hand, hold him, kiss him!_

 _I pulled him closer, unable to respond verbally._

 _He ended up on the top of me and we were kissing again, as I ran my hand through his golden locks._

We never really said if it was just kissing, or if were together, but it didn't matter, because all we did made me excited and appreciative, he made me shine, just because he was next to me.

We were always together still, but we never showed there was something romantic going on between us.

Thankfully, they all knew when to shut up, plus, Mello was very feared in Wammy's.

They wanted to befriend him, and they never even greeted him because they knew Mello probably had a very bad side and it scared them.

I had never been so fucking happy, never in my entire existence.

Being with the one I'd give my life for, because Mello was my lifegoal, I had decided, and I was even more certain as time passed.

Being with the one no one ever dared to touch, all they could ever do was stare.

I even aimed on asking him to live with me, after we turned eighteen, and not as housemates, but as lovers.

Eighteen was years later, but I had been sure, we would be together until then.

But before I could ever do anything, it happened.

The worst thing that could happen.

The thing I always doubted and thought as impossible.

Kira won. L died, and it was time for his successors to do what they were supposed to do.

L never clarified who he had chosen in the end, and the irony was that Roger suggested, even if fearfully, that Mello and Near should work together.

Mello hated Near's guts, working with Near was out of question.

And since it was the only solution Roger could offer, Mello had to make his final decision.

Work with Near or leave everything and everyone behind to find his own way to succeed in catching Kira.

Still hurts to remember that day.

" _I am coming with you-"_

" _No, Matt, you aren't! I have told you like a hundred times, and you fucking ignore me! Can you read my fucking lips? No."_

" _No, I am coming, and I don't care-"_

" _Fucking shut it, Matt, don't act like a toddler! This is MY battle, MY fight. MY victory." Mello was packing his suitcase already, furious that I insisted on following him, and still devastated that L died._

 _It even turned out that Near and Mello had MET L before he died._

 _In person, and talked to him, Mello said he was completely different than he thought, but a genius nonetheless._

 _And he fucking hid that from me for so long, but I wouldn't scream, I wouldn't blame him._

 _There was chance I'd manage to make him stay with me, and I didn't want to do anything that'd make it impossible._

" _Then work with-"_

" _Don't fucking dare to suggest that, I almost killed Roger for saying that."_

 _I was desperate, he hadn't agreed to anything I suggested and I felt tears coming._

 _But I held back, because Mello hadn't been sensitive in the least, during the past year, with very few exceptions.  
_

 _I would only make it worse, he hated it when anyone cried._

 _He hadn't cried at all for a long time, not even for L._

" _And the agents?"_

" _I'll find my own people to work with."_

" _And the facility?"_

" _I have a plan for that."_

" _And me?" I didn't want to ask that, but I did after all._

 _I hadn't dared to ask that, because Mello truly had changed and I feared the answer._

 _He hadn't been a bundle of joy or a kind person ever, of course, but he was different, and even more different since he came back from Roger's office that day._

" _You?" Mello stared at me for at least ten seconds and I gulped, scared of what would follow. "Matt, what the fuck are you talking about? You knew this time would come. You knew that one day I would have to do this. You knew it, and this is fucking unfair, that you actually even attempt to make me choose between pursuing my fucking lifegoal and you. You knew it, you knew I wouldn't back down on this." He said venomously, but I knew he was sad, even if a little._

 _He couldn't be that heartless after all…Not with me, right?_

" _M-Mells, don't leave me." I stuttered, still trying my best not to cry. I knew it wouldn't change anything but I didn't know what else was left besides being honest. "Or let me come with you, I don't want to stay here or anywhere else, if you're not there. I love you, I love you more than I love myself, and this isn't just about you loving me back…I will die if you leave, Mells, I will be dying every day again, because I'll miss you. My life…will be empty. I will be empty."  
_

 _I had to say that._

 _There was a chance I'd never be able to unless I did it right then and there, and Mello deserved to know how much he meant to me._

 _He was speechless, for a minute or so. He dropped the jeans he had been collecting from the floor inside the suitcase and placed his palm on his forehead before running a hand through his hair, his eyes shut for a little._

 _He was thinking._

" _Matt, do you want to help me?" He opened his eyes to stare at me with his piercing blue eyes._

" _Above all." It was true. If Mello was unhappy, nothing mattered after all._

" _And do you want me to promise you will see me again if I leave today?"_

" _I can't make you promise that, and you know it. You will have no safe way to contact me, and if it isn't safe…I don't want you to. You know you can't promise that…And you know it is too dangerous to go after Kira like that, and that you might even…" And tears finally escaped my eyes._

 _If L died, Mello could die too, it was more than just a possibility._

 _It was a very possible scenario, because Mello was dangerously reckless._

 _What if Kira killed Mello?_

 _No, I couldn't bear to think that at all._

" _I won't. I promise that too. And I promise, in the next three months, I will find a way to get in touch with you." If you are alright, if you are alive, if you haven't forgotten me, if, if, if._

" _Don't promise-" I started whispering._

" _My real name is Mihael." I froze. "Mihael Keehl, and I am from Moscow. In Russia, remember?"_

 _I never asked him to tell me his name, and he never did either, not once._

 _I thought it was sort of…forbidden to ask him that, especially after Kira appeared, and if he found much about L's past, he'd find us too._

 _I thought that he'd be Mello, and I'd be Matt, for his safety._

 _Mihael._

 _No, I liked Mello better._

 _Why? Why did he tell me that, when Kira had just killed L and it was possible he'd find us? Why, when he was leaving?_

" _Now you know it. And no one else does. This is a promise. You will see me again." He searched through the suitcase and gave me his favorite black coat. "Keep it, it's yours now. We'll meet again. Keep it, and remember-"_

" _My name is Mail. Mail Jeevas." I said, and he stared at me._

 _Why so surprised, I thought, I'd give my life for you, telling you my name means absolutely nothing._

" _I like Matt better."_

" _Mello is better too."_

And he left, again.

The first time, I was scared and sad.

That time…I was terrified and devastated.

I had many more reasons to think he was in danger and that I'd never see him again either way.

Linda, Roger, even Near came to talk to me.

I had stayed for twelve hours at Wammy's House gates, wearing his coat while I stared at the spot I last saw Mello clearly before he became a tiny black figure, far away, and disappeared.

" _Matt, I am sorry. But he loves you, he didn't take you with him because he wanted to protec-"_

" _He didn't take me with him because he wanted to prove he is worthy enough to beat Near, one on one and didn't want me to help him, or be with him. That protection thing is bullshit."_

" _But his coat-"_

" _He felt guilty, and he gave it to me as a fucking souvenir, to remember him. Like when you visit some place that you'll never go back to, and buy a souvenir? That's what he did." I took a long drag from my cigarette, always careful not to ruin his coat._

 _I knew I didn't believe all of that one-hundred percent, but I had to be…prepared for that._

 _And I'd never be._

" _Matt, I am sure that Mello-"_

" _Don't say his name." There was a long pause and I threw my cigarette on the ground, stepping on it._

" _He wouldn't want you to be like-"_

" _Don't talk about him like he's dead."_

I was too depressed to actually do anything besides smoke.

Not even gaming was a solution, and truth to be told, I rarely played games during those times at all.

I was always with Mello.

Two days later, Near came.

" _Matt."_

 _I turned around, narrowing my eyes. Near._

" _You despise me and I know it, but I made it crystal clear to both Roger and Mello that I honestly like Mello. I could work with him, if he agreed to that, but I am certain that you know he hates me and he wouldn't agree to share L's title with anyone." It was true, and that was the reason I was ready to commit fucking suicide._

 _Near liked Mello, and he didn't mind working with him at all._

 _Mello left because he wanted the Kira case to be his personal victory, as the first case he solved as L, it was all or nothing._

" _I know you will not answer, so I will leave. I'd advise you to attend your classes and rest. Roger will come as well, if you don't return to your normal schedule. I will be leaving in two days either way."_

By the time Roger came to me, I had made my final decision.

" _I am leaving, Roger."_

" _Matt!? What!? Because Mello-"_

" _Don't say his name."_

" _You are in no condition to leave like this Matt, you…just lost someone important to you, you can't think clearly! It is a huge decision!"_

 _Roger didn't know it was romantic, but he knew how overly-attached I was._

" _I just lost the only one who was important to me."_

" _Exactly, that's why-"_

" _I am leaving. End of story. Tomorrow morning, I'll be gone."_

" _Where will you go? What will you do? You are only fifteen, Matt! Think again, not even…he would want you to leave like that, it is dangerous." Less dangerous than it was for Mello._

" _I'm sure I'll manage. I will contact you or Linda as soon as possible, to tell you where I am and reassure you I am safe. Thank you for caring. Really."_

" _Oh Matt…I know I won't be able to change your mind." Roger sighed. "Then…stay safe. Don't lose yourself, ever, you are an amazing kid. You grew up…And I grew up with you too, with all of you, so I'll miss you, like I'll miss…all of you when you leave." He paused. "And don't go after him. He won't let you find him until he knows it is safe for you two to meet or even talk, with Kira things aren't easy."_

" _He said three months."_

" _Then it will be three months, yeah?"_

And I left, after saying goodbye to Linda too.

" _I saw that coming, honestly." Linda laughed and looked down. "All three successors leave us, then. Goodbye, Matt. You will find him, or he will. Good luck, and take care, contact me whenever it is possible."_

It wasn't hard for me to leave the orphanage.

Mello wasn't there, therefore, it was pointless to stay.

Plus, it was unbearable to stay in that room, in that place without him, it was just…

Empty.

What made me lose my shit was that it wasn't three fucking months as he promised.

It was a motherfucking year, and four months.

Nearly two years that I was too lost and depressed to think about other things.

Hell, I couldn't even come to care about myself, at all.

I had moved to Japan, knowing Mello would probably go there too.

Kira was from Japan, that was a fact, so Japan would have been his first choice.

It was a huge change, but it was one of the endless sacrifices I was ready to make to hear from Mello again.

I got a job as a hacker for some computer companies, I was young, but I proved that I was skilled, so they hired me anyway.

I had my own apartment, and I wasn't even seventeen yet, so it was a huge achievement that made my black world slightly…less black, sometimes.

I had done one successful thing, at least.

I smoked still, played games once again, did what those companies asked and bought an old, used motorbike that I learned how to drive but still had no license.

It was too hard to get a license, and I was good driver either way.

I don't think I had changed a lot physically, besides the fact I had dyed my hair bright red, redder than my previously brown-red hair. From what I remember, I didn't shave a lot, so I had some facial hair, as a teenager.

Looking good hadn't been a priority, especially when I had no one that'd see me and I'd care what they'd think about me, at all.

I also worked endless hours on computers, and although I had stopped crying all day for someone who'd probably forgotten me already, it still happened a lot, and my eyes were always bloodshot, either from crying or from working.

So I had been wearing goggles, always, and although I knew it looked weird, it felt strangely comfortable.

It was relieving to know that if anyone looked at me back then, they'd just think I was some weirdo with odd fashion taste.

I didn't want anyone to see my eyes, ever again.

My life was miserable enough, and you know, they say that the eyes are the window to the soul.

Mello wouldn't contact me, and that slowly sunk in.

I couldn't even say his name aloud without wanting to destroy everything near me.

I talked to Roger and Linda on the phone occasionally too.

And once, I managed to get a little bit of information, if you can call it that.

At that point, whatever I heard about Mello was important.

" _How are you, Matt?"_

" _I'm fine. You?"_

"I am good. _We all missed you here, you know."_

" _Even those who made fun of me for liking him behind my back?"_

" _Even them." Linda had always been a kind and patient girl, so she never commented on my attitude._

 _She knew that was how I'd be for a long time, if not forever._

 _Unless Mello came back._

" _Do you have any news?"_

" _On M-"_

" _Yes, on him."_

" _That's why I called."_

" _I'm all ears. Tell me, Linda, quickly." I had to know, right then and there, maybe that had been the clue I needed to find Mello._

 _Maybe Linda was the one who'd help me find him after all, and I'd be forever grateful-_

" _He came here to ask Roger to burn his photo. The one that was taken when he came to the orphanage." He went back to the goddamned orphanage, to ask Roger to burn his motherfucking photo? Why? Maybe it was Kira, something about Kira's abilities, maybe not, maybe, maybe, fucking maybe. Fuck. Mello fucking returned. And I hadn't been there because I fucking left, fuck, fucking shit- "We didn't see him. None of us did, only Roger. Please, Matt, don't start making this worse for yourself, you wouldn't have seen him eith-"_

" _He is alright then? Why didn't Roger call me to tell me about that?" I tried to sound as calm as possible._

" _Roger asked me to call you instead. He only said he was different, but yes, he is alright. I don't know anything else other than that."_

 _Different?_

 _Different, how?_

" _He didn't ask anything else?" I whispered, barely audible._

 _Where's Matt? Did he leave? Is he okay? Anything, anything that showed he would contact me after all._

 _I didn't even know where Mello was, with whom or if he was close to catching Kira, and obviously I wouldn't learn that, not from Roger or Linda after all._

" _I don't know. Roger said that he couldn't tell me anything else, besides that. Matt…Me-he is battling an insane god of justice with supernatural powers and his biggest rival who has all necessary equipment to work on the case, at the same time. Give him some time."_

 _My heart sunk._

 _So, he is alright, at least, I thought with both relief and sadness._

 _And he didn't call, he probably didn't even ask about me, even if Roger didn't want to share any information, I knew he didn't ask._

 _He didn't want me to find him and he didn't aim on contacting me either, he didn't want me to know what was going on at all._

 _And it was true, what Linda said._

 _That was one hell of fight between geniuses, maybe the biggest one in the history of mankind, and I wouldn't see Mello win, or anyone else._

 _If it was Near or Kira that won, I wanted to be there to prevent him from doing anything reckless, or to prevent Kira from killing him somehow._

 _If Mello won, I wanted to be there to celebrate with him, to be with him when he finally achieved his goal._

 _But no, Mello didn't want me there._

 _He didn't fucking want me at all._

" _Okay, thanks Linda."_

" _Matt-"_

" _Goodnight." I hang up, and took off my goggles, tears of both rage and sadness welling up in my eyes, as I punched the table._

" _Fuck you, MELLO! FUCK YOU!"_

They rarely mentioned Mello in general, unless I did first, and I always did, but I knew they had no knowledge on Mello's whereabouts either way. That was the only info I ever got. Even if Roger did know more, he'd never tell me, and it was reasonable.

Mello had to beat both Kira and Near, and obviously the rules of the game were much different than we all thought. They had no idea if he was well either after he visited Wammy's and that was the worst part.

Had I known Mello was alright for the rest eleven months, it would have been less painful.

The thought he wouldn't search for me after all because something bad had happened to him only made all that torture even worse.

I had no clue on how to find him either, no phone number and I wasn't even sure he was in Japan after all, visiting Wammy's meant he could still be in England.

I only had his name, which was useless.

 _Mihael Keehl._

Mello wouldn't use his name or his alias in anything that could be found since he had gone so far as to ask Roger to burn his photo.

And then, it was me, with a boring, miserable and empty life.

I had no boyfriend, no girlfriend, no friends, only Mello's memory.

I didn't want anything else, truth to be told, but still…All I had, was his memory.

All we went through together in the orphanage, his lips, his hair, his skin, his eyes.

His anger, his happiness.

Our moments.

And it was killing me, little by little, but it was comforting to remember him, even though I had been convinced he was only after L's position after all.

He'd never return, in any case.

 _One night, my phone rang and I sighed._

 _Probably Roger, he said he'd call today, and he didn't. Busy man, I thought immediately._

 _I didn't really care a lot about his calls anymore, since I knew he didn't have anything important to tell me._

" _Hello?" I answered, uninterested as always._

 _Nothing had been truly interesting since Mello left._

 _Nothing._

 _Silence._

 _I sighed and rolled my eyes, about to hang up, until I heard it._

 _His voice._

 _It couldn't be._

" _M-Matt?" No. Fucking no._

 _Holy fuck._

 _It couldn't be._

 _He wouldn't call again, it had nearly been two years, and he went to the orphanage and didn't even ask anything about me, he never tried to find me, he never even fucking tried to give me any clues to find him._

 _He fucking erased-_

" _M-Matt, i-if you c-can s-still h-hear me-"_

" _I can." What else could I have said?_

 _I couldn't function properly._

 _He called and..._

 _He was stuttering. I wanted to ask him if he was fine, because a million terrifying thoughts crossed my mind, but I knew he'd explain it by himself._

 _I didn't know what to say or what to think at all, all I could hear was his voice._

 _Rage._

 _Love._

 _Hurt._

 _Anticipation._

 _Excitement._

 _Disbelief._

 _I didn't know what to feel, or what I had been feeling until then._

" _H-How h-have you been? H-H-Heard you a-are here, in J-J-Japan." Small talk, which angered me, but it was reassuring, nonetheless._

 _He knew where I was, and he was there too after all, and again, it hurt me more than he'd ever fucking know that he knew my location and phone number and never tried to find me but still…I was talking to him, which made my heart beat faster than I thought it was possible._

 _He did call after all._

 _And I wasn't as worried as before, although worrying never stopped completely since the day he left._

 _Had it been an emergency, he wouldn't sound like that, I thought._

 _I was very close to start screaming and crying, demanding to meet him and telling him he had to explain all of that shit._

 _Explain his absence._

" _Are you really asking me that, Mello? After a year and four months? You had said three months. Three!" It didn't sound mean or angry…Just desperate._

 _I didn't sound as cool as before he left, because I couldn't just pretend that I was just happy that he called, not when I had been feeling hollow for one year and four months._

 _I was dying, every day since he left and I was unable to pretend as much as I used to._

 _Especially after I thought…I'd never see him again. I feared the worst, and I had been convinced all I feared had been reality._

 _Kira killed him, he forgot about me, he did something extremely reckless and got himself in trouble, I had many fears._

 _And I couldn't even ask him anything, because I was afraid to ask him too._

" _I-I a-am sorry, I-I-I w-was b-b-busy a-and-" Yeah, busy. Busy with catching Kira?_

 _He knew he'd be busy with that, and he had said three fucking months._

 _And what was going on with that fucking stuttering anyways?_

 _He didn't sound quite alright, and I wanted to ask, did he need help?_

 _Was he in danger?_

" _I don't think you can explain this right now. Why do you sound like that? Did anything happen? Are you alright?" I tried to sound as calm as possible._

 _Long pause._

" _I-I-I w-was w-wondering, i-if you kn-know a-a-anyo-one wh-who c-could do me a f-fav-vor?"_

 _I got a bad feeling the moment he said the word 'favor'._

 _If I couldn't do it, and he needed somebody else to do it, it was probably something bad._

 _It would be bad either way, it was Mello after all._

 _And…I truly wished that Mello hadn't called just for that favor._

 _I prayed that he hadn't._

" _What kind of favor, Mello?"_

" _Uh…U-Uh…C-C-Could y-y-ou f-f-find me s-some c-c-c-coke i-i-i-if y-y-you c-c-can? I-I c-c-can p-pay a-as m-much a-a-as y-y-you s-say i-i-if y-you have s-s-someone, e-e-everyone h-here's g-g-gone a-and I-I-I c-can't f-find a-any-"_

 _Fucking WHAT?_

" _ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME!? HAVE YOU LOST YOUR FUCKING MIND, MELLO!?"_

 _All I saw was red, I was outraged and tried not to move at all because I'd start breaking everything near me, including my phone. I saw red, like the blood that belonged to 'everyone'._

 _Everyone, who was that fucking everyone?_

 _Who was that everyone Mello was with and gave him that SHIT?_

 _I'd kill them if I ever learnt who these people were, and I'd make it slow and so fucking painful._

 _Where, where the fuck had he been in Japan!? Where the fuck did he find those fuckers?_

 _When the fuck did he decide he wanted to take that fucking shit?_

 _A guess was that he thought it'd fucking BOOST HIS ABILITIES AND HELP HIM CATCH KIRA!?_

 _My blood was boiling, why the fuck, why?_

 _I was boiling._

 _Cocaine, for fuck's sake, motherfucking hell, and he didn't just do it once in a while, it seemed, although that would make me just as angry._

 _Mello was stuttering because he was FUCKING ADDICTED to that shit, and he couldn't fucking find it, so he'd be able to fucking talk properly at least._

 _For fuck's sake, that was his way of getting to Kira?_

 _Doing illegal things like taking drugs until Kira found him and killed him off as a criminal before he even learnt he was related to L, or whatever?_

 _Or taking crap until he died eventually before Kira could do anything?_

 _He fucking called me for just that._

 _He fucking called me so I could find him drugs._

 _He didn't call for stupid little me who had been waiting for so long._

" _M-M-Matty, p-p-please-"_

" _You are fucking unbelievable. You don't even find a way to contact me and at least fucking tell me you are still ALIVE, although you know we live in the same motherfucking country, and when you do call after all, you call me to tell me if I can find you fucking COCAINE!? What kind of retarded assholes fucking do that to you and give you that crap!? What kind of people fucking help you with the case and fucking offer you that useless fucking SHIT?" To the point you are already addicted and unable to function when you don't have it, I wanted to add but I didn't. I lost my cool, and I couldn't hold back completely though. It wasn't just about me._

 _That was about his fucking health._

 _His fucking life._

 _Smoking a cigarette, well, okay, but cocaine? Fucking COCAINE!?_

 _I was breathing heavily, my knuckles white from gripping the phone so tightly._

 _I hadn't let anyone say his name aloud for nearly two years…And I rarely did either._

 _Hearing him like that was a fucking blasphemy to my faith in him._

 _Mello had become my fucking god. It wasn't Kira, it wasn't God, and it wasn't Buddha._

 _It was no other God._

 _Mello was the one I'd ask for forgiveness, the one I'd pray to, the one I fucking believed in, although he wasn't there._

 _He hadn't been there for a long time._

 _And that wasn't Mello. Mello didn't sound like some junkie. Mello would never ask me to find him drugs. Mello would never take drugs._

 _But it was him, and it was driving me crazy._

 _I imagined him sweaty, shaking and searching manically with desperation all around that place he was at for coke, cursing under his breath._

 _I gritted my teeth, shaking from anger, and tried to make the thought go away, knowing I'd make it worse for both of us if I told him everything I was thinking._

" _I-I-I c-can't t-tell you n-now, y-y-you d-don't k-know th-them e-either w-w-way, b-b-but I-I a-am d-dying, M-Matty…I-I th-think I-I'll p-puke, a-and I n-n-need t-to w-work b-but I-I c-can't function-"_

 _Knew it, it was obvious that Mello couldn't fucking talk properly without his fix, let alone work on whatever he was supposed to work on._

" _Where are you? I am coming to you." It was the only thing I could do._

 _My only option._

 _If he felt like he was dying, although I knew it was probably just withdrawal symptoms, I wouldn't leave him alone._

 _Not then, not ever, not even when I kind of hated him for all that crap that he did since L died._

" _I-I c-can't g-give y-y-you t-the e-exact-"_

 _Furious._

 _I was fucking furious._

" _You fucking can, give it to me before I track you down and come there."_

" _W-Will you b-b-bring m-m-me c-coke-?"_

" _I'll hang up and never answer again if you dare to say it ever again."_

" _M-Matt, I-I n-need-"_

" _Bye Mello. I hope you have fun with whatever you're doing. Y'know, snorting fucking COCAINE or catching Kira or whatever. Thanks for calling me after all. Better late than never, and all of this is plain bullshit. And I am not going to bring you any of that shit. Even if I could, I ever would, and I am truly insulted that you even considered me as an option to get you…that. You didn't call to talk to me or to see me. You only called because you needed me to get you that fucking crap. I won't do it. I had told you before you left, I love you, I am always here, but not now. Not like…this. Bye."_

 _It felt better that I told him all that, although I was still outraged, I had so much more to say, and I'd never say it, probably._

 _But I couldn't hang up. I couldn't press the fucking button, so all I could do was at least wait for him to say goodbye and hang up instead._

 _Silence._

" _Mello?"_

 _I felt panicked, but tried again._

 _He was okay._

 _He had to be okay._

 _He wouldn't die for real, it was just withdrawal, it was obvious he was going through withdrawal._

" _Mello, talk to me. Mello?"_

 _Silence._

" _Mello, this isn't funny. It's only making it worse for both of us."_

 _Silence again._

 _Fuck, no._

" _If you don't answer me right now, I'll track down the call, you know I don't even need a fucking number, unknown calls can be tracked too."_

 _No answer._

 _Fucking shit, no, please, no._

 _Please, no, PLEASE, don't do this to me._

 _Tears of panic escaped my eyes, and I put Mello on speaker as I got to my computer within seconds, trembling._

 _I couldn't hold back my tears at all that moment, and there was no need to._

" _M-Mello, hang on, if you can hear me, hang on, p-please. I am c-coming to you, I am going to find where you are right now. You will be okay, I am coming, Mells. J-Just hold on." Unsure of what I was doing, all I could hear was the silence coming from my phone._

 _I typed and clicked the mouse faster than I thought I could._

 _That's it, it should show the location, I thought and bit my lower lip enough to draw blood._

 _Every second seemed like eternity until it finally showed-_

' _Error: Location Unavailable'_

 _What?_

 _Why?_

 _NO!_

 _I tried again, desperately and let out a silent sob. I did my best to stay as calm as possible, maybe it crashed, maybe the program-_

' _Error: Location Unavailable'_

 _Fuck you._

 _Again._

' _Error: Location Unavailable'_

 _FUCK YOU!_

 _It was the most convenient way to track a call or a number, it took a bit longer but it fucking worked, always, unless someone-_

 _Unless someone made their phone unable to track down, in any case, and that definitely required a professional hacker's help, and there was chance it would still be unsuccessful._

 _I had tracked down computer company owners, fucking MILLIONAIRES, who had every reason to do that to their number, or their router, or whatever._

 _And they probably did it, but that program along with the help of some other programs tracked down ALL calls, ALL numbers, ALL routers, fucking EVERYTHING._

 _I tried again._

' _Error: Location Unavailable.'_

 _I almost punched the screen, eventually punching the desk instead and falling on the floor, to let out a desperate scream._

 _I let out another sob, a loud one, followed by many more._

 _Fuck, Mello, why so much secrecy, even with Kira on the loose?_

 _Fuck you, you can't do this to me!_

 _You can't do this to yourself, you can't do this at all!_

 _I got the phone, trembling as I continued to sob._

" _P-Please…M-Mells…T-Talk to m-me…"_

 _Nothing._

 _I tried other programs, other ways, other ideas I had, but nothing worked._

' _Error: Location Unavailable.'_

' _388420 Unable to Detect.'_

' _Invalid Tracking; Readjust Your Router-'_

 _Bullshit._

 _I waited for an hour, holding the phone to my ear although Mello was still on speaker, and I flinched at the slightest sound I heard._

 _I'd wait, I'd wait until he…_

 _Until he woke up._

 _He would, he had to, but as always, I feared the worst, because the worst happened._

 _Always._

 _Silence was all I heard, but not the endless silence I had been living in for the last year and four months, and had been comforting since Mello was absent._

 _If he was absent, I didn't want to hear anything._

 _That silence coming from my phone was some kind of motherfucking torture, for something horrible I had done in another life, I was sure of that._

" _Uh…Mmmph…"_

 _My eyes widened and I gasped._

 _Holy fucking crap._

 _Thanks God, I mean it._

 _Thanks._

 _I'll repent for all my sins._

 _I fucking swear._

" _Mello!? Mello, are you there!? Can you hear me!? Mello, please!"_

" _Uh…M-Matt…?"_

" _Mello…" Tears of relief replaced tears of despair._

" _M-M-Matt, I am sorry…" He still sounded horrible, but he was awake._

 _And slightly more coherent._

 _Nothing else mattered that moment._

 _Not that he left, not that he didn't call, not that he was on coke and he asked me to find him some._

 _Nothing else, besides the fact he was awake._

" _Don't be, Mells…You don't know how close I was to die from heart attack or something. Where are you, damn it? Are you okay now, are you any better? Did you pass out on a bed, on a couch-"_

" _N-N-No…A-A-And…I-I-I'm a-a-at th-the b-bathroom…I-I c-can't g-get u-u-up…M-Matty.."_

 _Fuck, he was alone, unable to get up from the bathroom floor and I was fucking unable to help at all._

 _I had never heard him like that, ever before._

 _It scared the hell out of me._

 _And no one was around._

" _Okay. Listen to me, okay? Can you listen to me, Mells?"_

" _Y-Y-Yeah…"_

" _I want you to tell me where you are. I can come to you as quickly as possible, if you live in Tokyo, I have a motorbike. Okay?"_

" _I-I-I c-can't t-tell y-you… M-Matt, I-I c-can't t-tell y-you…N-Not f-from h-here…N-Not n-now…"_

 _I ran a hand through my hair, and kicked my desk, gritting my teeth._

 _Of course, if Mello went so far as to do that to his number, he wouldn't tell me where he was, especially from a phone call._

 _But it was a fucking emergency, he collapsed because he was going through withdrawal, what, did that happen like, every Tuesday and Thursday?_

 _I'd do what I could, through the phone, to make sure he would go somewhere he could rest properly and then see about anything else I could do after that._

" _Okay, can you get up? Is there anything around you can grab and safely get up? Without it or you collapsing."_

" _Y-Y-Yeah…I-I-I'm i-i-in b-bathroom…W-W-What'd y-you th-think, s-s-shithead?"_

 _Better._

 _At least, he was in the mood to call me names._

 _I had to keep him going, and making him angry probably was a good way._

 _I had to make him get up, go somewhere comfortable and then we'd see._

 _My palms were sweaty, like my forehead, and my phone almost slipped from my hand._

 _I caught it and answered quickly._

" _Ha ha, funny Mells, you should write some curse-words dictionary or something. Okay, hold onto that thing. Is trembling too bad to stay standing?"_

" _I-I-I f-fucking w-w-will…N-N-No, I-I am g-good…I-I-I d-did it…"_

" _It'll become a best seller for sure. I'll buy at least five copies." I smiled faintly. When was the last time I had felt like smiling? "Okay, okay, perfect. See? You can do it. Are there other things around you can hold onto to get to another room? Living room, bedroom? Somewhere comfortable."_

" _I-I-I c-can w-walk b-by m-my s-s-self, I-I t-think…"_

" _If there is furniture you can use for support, do it. Don't risk it. No one's around to help, and I don't know where you are, so no reason to end up on the floor again, yeah? Go somewhere you can rest properly, stupid."_

" _H-How d-dare y-you, r-retard-"_

" _You think I am a retard?"_

" _D-Duh, w-with l-love, M-M-Mello…"_

 _I chuckled quietly, and although I felt like shit from all that had been going on, I truly was happy, even if a little._

 _Everything was horrible, even more since Mello had such issues but at least he called._

 _If he hadn't…We'd both end up much worse._

 _I missed his endless cursing, his determination, his beautiful taste, I missed everything._

 _I would help him through…that._

 _I would help him in general, if he let me, I had decided._

 _ **Long chapter for first chapter, I know, but I intend to make chapters rather big, if not this big. Until now, it is only Matt/Mello, and only from Matt's POV, but as storyline progresses, I will write from other POVs too. It will include a lot of Mello/Light in following chapters, since I believe Mello and Light are two incredible characters that would fit together, even with Light as Kira. Will also include Matt/Mello mostly.**_

 _ **Review, would love to hear your opinion, and second chapter is on the way.**_


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